I have decided to write about my battle with depression so that others know they are not alone. I was first diagnosed with it in 2004. The previous year had been extremely stressful as early in the year I lost my baby boy Isaac at 5 months pregnancy, it was extremely upsetting but I was still so grateful that I had my daughter. Two months later my grandmother died and we also found out my mothers cancer had become incurable. She died in the October at 52 years of age. I was devastated more than words can ever express. WE had finally bonded after my daughters birth but now she was gone and I desperately needed her. I felt unable to grieve properly as I was 8 weeks pregnant again and was terrified that if I got too upset the stress would make me miscarry.
Just as I entered to 27th week of pregnancy I was beginning to feel safe but my world fell apart once again as my appendix ruptured and as I was rushed in to theatre I was told it was likely that one of us may not survive to operation. When I woke up all I wanted to know was my baby alright. I gushed tears of relief when I felt her kick but we weren’t out of muddy waters yet. I was told the risk of preterm labour was very high and I had to be on bed rest. Because of this I rarely got time with my eldest daughter and by the time my second daughter was born I felt so low and irrational that I felt unable to look after them and family had to step in. I had a break down and had to give custody of my daughters to my now ex husband.
I started therapy and met someone else and life seemed a little brighter again but as life often does it decided to kick us again. After another early miscarriage my partner and I decided to try again. I got pregnant easily but it was beset with problems from the beginning, I had bleeding from the beginning and delivered my little girl preterm. Kayla Rose was beautiful however she was not for this world and we lost her after an hour. We both hit a bad spiral of depression after that. We spent money like it was water, trying to fill up the hole left behind. Our debts grew and grew, credit cards, loans, anything we could get.
A year later I accidently got pregnant again, the whole time I tried to be positive until on week 16 I got a bad feeling and begged to doctors to scan me. The scan revealed no heartbeat and a few days later I had to go through an induced labour to kiss our baby Caoimhe to sleep.
I loved in a haze for months, not feeling anything except despair until 2007 l found I was pregnant again. At 3 months pregnancy I was told by a rheumatologist that I had Fibromyalgia and that it was unlikely I would be able to look after the baby as the aches and pains I was feeling would increase once the pregnancy was over due to hormonal changes in my body making things easier when pregnant. She advised I abort my baby.
I was tormented, what was I going to do. luckily Rob’s family swore that they would help with the baby if I made if through term. In the early part of 2008 my Roisin was born and I couldn’t believe it. She was so precious to us. She is a healthy tomboy now of 5 and even though eveyone looks after her I suffer with severe panic attacks at random times when I think of something happening to her. I have day nightmares where I am in a disaster and have to try to save her through the pain.
My fibromyalgia did get worse, a lot worse and I spend a lot of time in bed trying to sleep the pain away. I can’t do much with her except reading and crafting but others are there to help her run of the energy. Despite all the blessings I have I still have depression and am currently having my medication given to me one dose at a time as I am suicidal at the moment. People say snap out of it but I can’t. I have written my goodbye letters just in case and take one day at a time.